I’m coming out.
Well, at least that’s the plan.
Since the age of 15 I’ve slowly been coming out to those around me. Coming out is horrible. And it’s not just usually once that you have to do it.
At the time of writing this I haven’t ‘come out’ to my parents yet. Or my brother. Or cousins or grandparents. But my mum knows, at least, I think she knows.
This isn’t the first time I’ve written a post like this, it’s terrifying. The majority go straight in the trash and never see the light of day. But I feel, I’m almost 20 and I don’t want to leave my teenage years with any ‘secrets’.
See, my dilemma is that I do not feel that I should have to come out. I don’t understand why my sexual preference matters, but to me if I don’t come out I feel this tremendous sense of shame. It’s almost as though I’m keeping a part of myself hidden from those who surround me.
Coming to university was a strange experience. By the time I arrived I had already come out to the majority of my friends and I decided that at Uni I would be who I wanted to be. The majority of people here know I’m gay, I’m out and I’m proud. It’s almost easier to let people know your orientation on first meeting, I’ve found the longer I leave it the harder it gets.
When I was younger I was really confused. I was ashamed. There was yet another thing that was different about me and I didn’t know how to broach the subject. Still now I find it incredibly awkward to talk about. Nowadays, people often ask me if they think that it contributed to my several breakdowns, and in all honesty I really don’t think so.
I don’t really know what else to say here. I don’t think that it’s something to hide, and it’s most certainly not something to be sorry or ashamed about. The only thing I do want to say sorry about is that it took so long for me to realise the above. Sexuality is only a small part of who you are, and anyone who doesn’t accept that is an idiot.
Update: My fabulous and incredible mum and brother now know!